* SPIRITUAL BEING - HEALER - ALL AROUND HAPPY HUMAN *
HOW I GOT HERE
I am so incredibly grateful to be where I am today, but I can’t say that it has been an easy journey…
I was overweight for most of my childhood, eating lots of sugary snacks, and fast food… and I would often hide an entire 12 pack of cookies in my room to munch on at night. On top of that my parents were both incredible cooks, but they weren’t always focused on the “healthy” choices. Like any child that is considered overweight, I was bullied a LOT from kindergarten until middle school.
As I began thinning out in my teenage years I remember suddenly receiving compliments about my body and how much “better” I looked. This solidified what I had been telling myself - being thin makes you beautiful. Being thin makes you lovable. I found that even though my peers were no longer bullying me (for the most part), I had become my own worst enemy. I began struggling with depression and disordered eating when I was 11 years old, and at times, still face these challenges today.
Skip ahead to 2014 when I was inspired by a very good friend of mine to experiment with a vegetarian diet. I quickly grew to love the way I felt without meat, so I decided to remove ALL animal products from my diet and went vegan. I was feeling absolutely incredible - I lost weight, my nails and hair grew stronger, my skin was clear and glowing, and I was finally starting to feel happy again. It had been an overwhelming year, so smiling and feeling positive was a huge step forward.
My mom had been quite sick for most of 2014 and was eventually diagnosed with lung cancer in December, right before Christmas. I had been preparing myself for this for years. She was a smoker from the time she was 11 years old, and she didn’t have the cleanest eating or drinking habits. Regardless, it broke my heart when she told me the news. I was hoping that she would feel inspired to eat a more plant-forward diet after she was diagnosed, but she continued on like everything was normal. I was angry that she wouldn’t listen to me, so I moved out.
I had to be taken to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy on the first night in the new place (if that ain’t karma I don’t know what is). My mom showed up to the hospital as quickly as she could and I was so grateful that she was there for me. I realized that I had to be more supportive to her through this scary time in her life, so I started driving her to her chemo and radiation therapy, to her doctors appointments, and as things progressed quicker than expected, I wound up moving home. I felt hopeless as I watched this incredibly strong, beautiful, outgoing woman deteriorate before my eyes. I brushed her hair that hadn’t yet fallen out from chemo, I picked her up off the couch when she couldn’t stand, and I put lotion on her back while choking back tears as I felt all of her bones through her skin.
The cancer quickly spread throughout her body and into her brain. She suffered multiple seizures and memory loss; she forgot who I was until another seizure put her into a coma. She passed away on Christmas morning in 2015. I wasn’t at the hospital with her when she died, but I felt it in every ounce of my being. I had lost the most important woman in my life, and I was devastated.
I left for New Zealand a few days after I lost my mom and had an unbelievable time. I decided to give myself the freedom of eating fish, dairy and eggs while I was traveling, and then I reverted to a vegan diet once I was home. I did the same thing when I went to Ireland in 2017, only this time I came back weighing 20 pounds more than I ever had. I wasn’t in a good place, and I hadn’t been since losing my mom, but I had spent the past 2 years pushing my grief down… pretending it wasn’t there. I was instead turning to food to seek comfort. I was using food to fill the emotional void that was created when I lost my mom. I hated myself. I was so unhappy with the person I saw in the mirror, and even more unhappy with the mean girl that was wreaking havoc in my mind. Something needed to change, but I didn’t know where to start.
After months of working out excessively, experimenting with ’skinny tea’ cleanses, weight loss gummies, meal replacement shakes, and eating a 100% vegan diet, I lost 30 pounds, and guess what? I still wasn’t happy. I continued to workout every single day, sometimes twice a day even though I was exhausted. I still restricted my portion sizes to next to nothing because I was terrified I would gain weight, even though deep down I knew that changing my weight alone wouldn’t change my opinion of myself - I KNEW it was much deeper than that. After a series of emotional breakdowns I finally threw away my scale and I felt SO empowered. From there I cut down my exercise to 4-5 days a week, I ditched the diets, started practicing intuitive eating, and made an effort to change the narrative in my head. Just like that, my body began to find its set point weight, and my inner mean girl took a big step back.
I decided that the next step for me would be to sign up for a program dedicated to nutrition and/or holistic health so that I could learn how to take better care of myself, as well as my loved ones. I was struggling to find any programs that peaked my interest, until I met one of my best friends. She told me all about the Integrative Health Coach Training Program that she was currently enrolled in at IIN and it sounded like exactly what I had been searching for. I went home and enrolled shortly after. The program at IIN taught me all about the world of nutrition and how to build my own business, but I also learned a lot about myself.
Throughout all that, I had also been suffering from severe digestive issues for about 4 years and no one could figure out what was going on. I spoke with doctors, naturopaths, homeopaths, gastro specialists, you name it… we couldn’t find any answers. Eventually, with the help of my homeopath and my naturopath, we linked the digestive distress to my diet, grief, and stress. When we push our feelings down, we create physical trauma within our own bodies, and I had done a number on mine. As much as I would have liked to believe that that was the only issue there, my naturopath insisted that my diet was also a contributing factor. I was hesitant, to say the least, when she suggested that I reintroduce animal fats and protein back into my diet. I had never wanted to do anything less - I had told myself I would be vegan forever. Eventually I couldn’t stand it any longer and I took her advice… I haven’t looked back since. If you want to learn more about my journey out of veganism, you can check out my blog post here.
From there I was finally able to turn my focus inward. I began going to therapy and hired my own health and wellness coach (yes, coaches need support too). I found my spiritual path, and have fallen deeply in love with shadow work and medicine ceremonies. It is within these realms that I’ve experienced the most growth and healing. I quickly realized just how much internal work needed to be done.
My journey down the medicine path has been incredibly eye opening. I never thought of myself as a spiritual person until my mom passed. At first, I turned to drugs to help numb my pain, and to give me a false sense of happiness and connection. My journey took a turn when I was invited to sit in a tobacco ceremony, followed by an Ayahuasca ceremony in 2019. It had been 4 years since I lost my mom, and I still hadn’t given myself the proper space to grieve. Within this ceremony space I was forced to fully surrender, and face my sadness and anger. It was challenging, heart wrenching, and beautiful. For the first time in a long time, after shedding many tears, I felt at peace within myself. I felt more love in my cells than I had in what felt like a lifetime. Plant medicine truly changed my life for the better. It was as if I had experienced years of therapy within several days.
Once I returned home, I was invited to sit in a Peyote ceremony, and shortly after that I was served Kambo for the first time. I was terrified of Kambo when I first heard of it, but immediately after my first purge, I knew that I had a special connection to the medicine. Since that first session, I have sat with the frog countless times. I began feeling the call to become a facilitator about a year into my relationship with Kambo, and almost exactly 2 years after my first ceremony, I began my apprenticeship training to share this medicine with others. It has been such a blessing, and I am beyond grateful to have been chosen to carry this medicine. It has helped me see just how strong and resilient I am, and I know it can change the lives of those who are open to the opportunity.
